First blog post

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Wake me up when September ends

I cannot believe that I have not been on here for at least 3 months. So much has happened since my last post.

My title is a name of a song by Green Day. It is a very suitable title, as it is exactly how I am feeling right now.

Everything about this year has been challenging, because every day I am trying to deal with not having my grandmother around me anymore. Besides the special days, every other day I miss her just as much, if not, actually more.

The next few days are going to be the most difficult for me. Leading up to the day she passed away (13th of September 2018).

It is going to be extremely difficult these next few days and I have to prepare myself for it, mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally.

I know with my ma up in Heaven, she will be with us and guiding us over the days leading up to her first anniversary of her death. I did not realise that losing her would affect me this much. I cannot wait for the day when I will be reunited with her.

Ma, I miss you every day. I will carry you forever in my heart.

Rest in Peace

Mental Health is Important

I have been struggling to put pen to paper for the past 2 months. I am trying it again.

A lot has happened since my last post. I have been off alcohol for the past 2 months, which I am very happy about and very proud of myself. Due to me not drinking anymore, I discovered that I feel so much more. There was a week, where I cried continuously for the whole week and couldn’t even express why or what was going through my mind. A few weeks ago, I was contemplating just ending it all. That is when I realised enough is enough and I phoned around looking for places that deal with mental health assessments. I eventually found a clinic in Plumstead.

On Tuesday (18th of December) I took the biggest step and went to the clinic. I eventually saw a doctor and he asked me questions based on what I was feeling or going through. He, then prescribed 2 different tablets. The one was an antidepressant and the other was for anxiety/stress. The antidepressant I had to take 1/2 tablet daily for a week and the other tablet was only if I needed it. I cried, not because I was sad, but I finally found relief. I had kept all these emotions in for so long and I just felt so much relief when he told me he was going to prescribe medication.

I always heard about people going through depression, but I did not think that I would be one of those people. I have always had problems with expressing myself verbally. Since I was young, I would cry and when my mom questioned me, I could not answer her. I am grateful that I was able to take the bold step and go and see someone. It took a lot out of me, but at the same time I knew that I did not want to go into the new year feeling like this.

I can only hope that this post helps someone who is in the same position as me. It is scary, but there is hope. The journey is going to be challenging at times, but when you have people in your life who love and support you (whether it be family or friends) it becomes more bearable.

I am going for my follow up visit today and I will definitely be posting more on my blog about my journey.

Have a Blessed, Festive season and I will see you all in the new year.

Giving it up

More than a year ago, I posted my very first blog about giving up alcohol for good. I, however could not follow through with this and since then I feel it has become worse.

I do not drink to get drunk, but I drink because it is convenient. I drink, because in those few minutes I forget about my problems and what I am feeling. This year made me realise I’m on the verge of alcoholism. I would drink whatever is available to me – wine, beers, brandy, etc.

With my ma’s passing it has become worse. I am drinking, because to me it feels like it is taking away the pain, but in reality it is making it worse.

The week before the Gun Run, I never drank, however the Sunday after the race, I finished 4 Heinekens, just because it was there. Last week I could not wait for Friday, because I knew I could have a drink. This is not how I want to live my life anymore. That is why I decided enough is enough. I want to live a healthy life.

I am even prepared this time to seek more help such as a group/therapy when it comes to drinking. Whatever I am facing  I want to gave it in a healthy way.

So today the 22nd of October, I embark on a new journey. This time, I will not fall through like the previous time.

Every month I will post a video on instagram to let you know how my journey is going. I cannot wait to start this new venture.

Until my next blog, keep well and stay safe.

The Final Goodbye is Never Easy

I would like to start off by saying, sorry that I have been so quiet over the past month or two. I have been struggling for the longest time to put pen to paper. Tonight I have decided to do just that.

A few months ago I blogged about my grandparents and about how my grandma was struggling due to health conditions. Tonight, however I am blogging about how her health conditions became so bad and she has passed away.

On Monday, the 10th of September it was the start of a heartbreaking week for me and my family. I remember the evening so clearly. The doctor sat us down in the waiting room and told us due to a bad, bladder infection my grandma’s organs were starting to fail. I watched how my grandpa broke down and I sat next to him, just to comfort him.

The saddest and most heartbreaking thing for me those few days was to witness my grandma just laying there with an oxygen mask over her face. She never responded to anyone. The doctor explained to us that she was in a semi coma. We spoke to her, rubbed her hands, stroked her hair, yet she couldn’t feel it or respond to it.

My heart broke everytime my grandpa sat next to her bedside. He would hold onto her so tightly and deep down at that moment I was hoping for a miracle and that she would respond, but she never did.

Thursday morning, the 13th of September at about 05:00, she passed away peacefully. I remember my stepdad telling me. Initially I thought I was going to cry, but I did not. I felt a sense of relief, because she was out of her pain and suffering.

When we got to the hospital that morning, I just broke down. I kissed her forehead and told her I loved her.

We have had the funeral and we have buried her ashes and yet a part of me still cannot believe that she is gone. These past few nights I could not sleep. I keep thinking about her.

As I am writing this, I even felt tears in my eyes. I am at peace knowing that she is in a better place, but my heart is aching. I wish that when we visit our pa, she would be there, laying on the couch.

Grieving is a process, which never ends. We somehow deal with the fact that the person is gone.

I will keep her memory alive in my heart.

Rest in Peace, my sweet Ma

Goodbye July, Hello August

Wow, so I cannot believe it is the 2nd of August already and I am only posting about my month of July now. Life has been crazy, busy so please excuse this delayed post.

Recently, I have started using journal prompts to help me with my blogging. It has been such a great help and I really enjoyed it. Each day of July different questions were asked and it really made me think about my thinking. I will not be sharing every single day with you, as this will take forever. Instead, I will focus on the important aspects of it, week by week.

The first week the focus was about myself. The important people in my life, being my family and a few close friends. My best trait is being a good listener and caring for others. Ironically I discovered that meeting new people excites me, yet at the same time scares me. Most of the things I worry about I cannot control. And one of the transitions in my life would have to be the year my mom,stepdad and bro emigrated to the UK. Due to things not working out for them they had to return. It made me think that all of these things in the end could have effected me, without me even realising it.

The second week, the focus was more on emotions. This was an extremely difficult week for me, because I had to see my ma in hospital and witnessed my pa cry every day and night. However in this week, I also discovered how much I love blogging and writing down my thoughts on paper. This week was a true week of reflection. I was grateful for all the people who checked up on me this week. Donny, Tracey, Vee, Chanelle. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

The third week my main focus was based on a question that was posed if I had to write a letter, who would I write it to. My answer was Donny. And for those who want to know about Donny and I, this paragraph is for you. I have been acquainted with Donny, since 2015, but only since December of last year did we really chat a lot. He has been there for me and helping me through a lot of things and yes we hang out, but we both know that we have too much to deal with. He has become that male friend that every female needs. One day when I’m brave enough I’ll post the letter. He has seen it though 😊 There was another question that was posed to me and it made me realise that I give more than take, especially when it comes to friendships and relationships. Then there was the point that asked me what is one question, I ask myself daily and it has to be “Will I ever be truly happy and satisfied with my life?” During this week my mental health also took a toll on me and I just wanted space from everything and everyone. There comes a time in your life when you do not want to be the person that everyone runs to with their problems, especially when you are dealing with your own battles. Music was my saving grace during this time.

There were many other things which I learnt from doing this, but those things are personal and when I am strong enough to share it I will. I have learnt that I have a way with words and I thoroughly enjoy writing and blogging.

I have decided that this month I will be keeping all my thoughts off twitter and instead just like, retweet and retweet quote tweets. I will instead use pen and paper for my other thoughts.

I hope and pray that August will be a great month for you all.

Until next time

Keep safe

 

Trying to love me, Again

Since December last year I have been chatting with a great guy. Known him since 2015  but only really started chatting and getting to know him since December.

Some of you might even know who the guy is, but that’s not the point of this post. I’ve met up with him a few times, however our communication face to face and even over the phone, isn’t the same as when we chat via WhatsApp.

It has been bothering both of us for a while now. There was an incident over the weekend  where I wanted to phone him and when I phoned him I couldn’t get any words out.

And then it hit me, as I posted in my previous post, chatting to someone via IM is easy for me because the person I’m chatting to cannot see me. I can tell them “I’m fine” even though deep down I’m having a crap day or just want to cry.

However, I think the biggest problem I have when it comes to communicating with guys is that I give into them too easily. I never used to be this person.

I have lost my identity. I don’t know who “Simone” is anymore. I used to be an independent female, taking myself out for lunch or even just a coffee. Now when I meet a guy I lose myself in the moment. It’s become so bad that I really don’t know what to do anymore.

Everytime when a guy just ups and leaves, a part of me wonders what did I do wrong. And then the one time a decent guy comes along and one I genuinely and honestly like, I question everything, even thinking he will also just up and leave.

I can’t believe I let it get so bad. I know what I have to do though. I need to start loving myself again and not base my happiness on someone else’s life. And once I accomplish that, everything else will fall into place.

It’s all about patience, time and I need to focus on me and only me. At the end of the day, if I can’t love myself, I won’t be able to love anybody else.

 

Just scattered thoughts

Lately I feel empty. I am not happy, sad or angry. I just feel nothing.

I have been going through so much over these past 3 months. At times I just want to cut myself off from the rest of the world.

I have deactivated twitter for the umpteenth time. I honestly cannot explain why I do it, but I just get irritated seeing what people have to say about certain topics.

I wish I could go back to the time of no cellphones. I knew how to communicate  believe it or not. I feel safer communicating behind a phone. That way no one will see the tears I cry as I type “I am ok.”

I actually miss having face to face conversations with people, yet when the time comes then I freeze and do not know what to say. I overthink everything, even the conversations that I wish to have with people.

I plan everything in my head. I hate that I do this though, because it always sounds better in my head. I wish words could come out of my mouth as easily as it is to write it.

Feeling mentally and emotionally tired is draining. I have no energy for anything. At times I think I might as well be a robot.

I have decided to make writing a daily activity for me. It is therapeutic, just getting my thoughts out of my head and onto paper.

Every month I will post a piece about what I experienced during that specific month.

I look forward to blessing your timelines with some great pieces.

Until next time

Keep safe

Happy blogging 😊

 

Praying for you, Ma

Friday morning and as I’m typing this, I’m feeling so many mixed emotions.

My ma has been admitted to hospital for the third time within a period of 2 months. I hate seeing her in so much pain and discomfort.

Last night my mommy broke down in tears as she was telling me what the doctor told my pa yesterday. She currently has a bladder infection, her kidneys aren’t functioning properly and she is suffering from heart failure. My mommy wants to be strong for everyone and I told her if she needs to cry, she must cry.

Maybe in a weird way, God is working through me to be the strong person. Yet at the same time how do you prepare yourself to say goodbye to a person, who wasn’t just your grandmother. When we were younger, we spent most of our time with our ma, as our mommy was at work.

As I’m typing this, I cannot hold back the tears. I need to prepare myself for the worst. Our main concern is our pa. I cannot even begin to imagine what is going through his mind. Married to my ma for 60 years. He is trying to be so strong, but I can see the tears every now and then.

I just pray for strength and light through this tough time. And to every person praying for me and my family I value and appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.

Until next time

Peace, love and happiness

Xxx

New Sim Loading

It is the start of a new month. I feel like it is also the start of new beginnings for me.

The first 6 months of the year has been a roller-coaster of emotions. I finally feel that I can put past relationships behind me. This being friendships as well as relationships with the opposite sex.

I am tired of feeling like I am not good enough. It is time to focus on a new relationship. That new relationship is with ME.

I am going to start being selfish with my time. I know these things do not happen over night. I am ready to fight though. Fight to get my independence back. I am done being available to unavailable people.

I am ready to fix these broken pieces of me and day by day I am going to get back what I have lost.

I am done feeling sorry for myself. I am ready to come back stronger than I was before.

Me, myself and I

My mind is doing the most tonight. There are days that I have deep conversations with my one guy friend and yesterday was one of those days.

I initially thought I wanted to be with him. It turns out that the only reason why I wanted to be with him, was because the thought of being with someone has been on my mind for the longest time. He just seemed to fit that spot so well.

The person that I really need to be with is ME! I need to fix me, for me. For 6 years I haven’t actually come to terms with my break up and it’s now showing in all my relationships.

I never ever needed a guy to make me happy, because I did that on my own. I’m struggling to get back to that feisty female, that I once knew.

She’s there. I just need to dig deep to find her again. I’m ready to be in a relationship with myself and no one else. This road is such a long and winding road, but I’m ready for the journey.

Until next time.

😊